Category: Mental Health

Doom Scrolling and Dopamine

Doom Scrolling and Dopamine: Why We Cannot Stop, and What It is Doing to Us

It is late. You told yourself you would put the phone down five minutes ago. Instead, you are still there, thumb moving almost on its own. It is sliding from one grim headline or anxious post to the next. Nothing you are reading is making you feel better – if anything, your chest feels tighter and your thoughts are racing. Yet somehow you cannot quite close the app.

If this sounds familiar, you are not lacking willpower. You are responding exactly the way your brain is designed to respond. Understanding why doom scrolling has such a grip on us is often the first step to loosening it.

What is Doom Scrolling?

Doom scrolling is the habit of compulsively consuming negative or distressing content online – news, social media, or both – well past the point of it being useful or informative. It became a widely recognised term during the pandemic, when many of us were glued to our screens for updates. However, the pattern has only become more entrenched since. It is helped along by apps that are quite literally engineered to keep us scrolling.

How Dopamine actually works

Dopamine gets a lot of press as the “pleasure chemical”, but that is a slight misunderstanding of what it does. Dopamine is not mainly about the enjoyment of getting something – it is about the anticipation of it. It is the neurochemical behind wanting, seeking, and checking, more than the neurochemical of satisfaction itself.

That distinction matters enormously for how apps are built. Every time you open a social media feed or a news app, your brain releases a small hit of dopamine tied to the possibility of something interesting, upsetting, validating, or new. Crucially, you never know in advance what you will find. That unpredictability is the key ingredient. Psychologists call it a “variable reward schedule” – the same mechanism that makes slot machines so compelling. A reward you can predict loses its pull fairly quickly. On the other hand, a reward that might come on this scroll, or the next one, or the one after that, keeps your brain checking indefinitely.

Doom Scrolling and the Amygdala

Doom scrolling adds a second layer on top of this. Distressing or threatening content activates the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, triggering a stress response – a release of cortisol and adrenaline, the same fight-or-flight chemicals that would once have helped you escape real physical danger. Normally, once a threat passes, your body’s calming system switches back on. But an endless feed of bad news never really “passes.” As a result, one alarming story leads straight into the next, so the stress response never gets the chance to switch off. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex – the part of your brain responsible for impulse control and weighing up whether this is actually a good use of your time – becomes less influential the longer this cycle runs.

The result is a strange loop: you scroll partly to soothe anxiety or find reassurance. Yet the scrolling itself keeps generating the very anxiety you are trying to escape.

Why this matters for how we feel

None of this is just an inconvenience. Research increasingly links heavy doom scrolling with worse overall mental health and lower life satisfaction. People who do it frequently report more irritability, disrupted sleep, and mental fatigue. They also experience a heightened risk of anxiety and depressive symptoms. There are physical knock-on effects too – headaches, muscle tension, and elevated stress in the body – plus the more indirect costs: less time moving, less time outdoors, less time genuinely connecting with the people around you.

Perhaps most frustrating is that doom scrolling rarely delivers what we are actually looking for. We tend to scroll hoping to feel more informed, more in control, or less alone with a worry. However, it usually leaves us feeling more anxious, not less.

Working with your Brain, not against it

Because this pattern is built into how dopamine and stress systems work, “just stop” is rarely realistic advice. A few gentler, more effective places to start:

    • Add friction. Move news and social apps off your home screen, turn off non-essential notifications, or set a daily time limit. Small barriers matter more than they seem to.
    • Give anxiety a container. Instead of checking sporadically all day, pick one or two set times to catch up on news, and let yourself close the app once you have.
    • Notice the urge without acting on it immediately. Even a 30-second pause before opening an app can be enough to interrupt the automatic loop.
    • Curate deliberately. Unfollow or mute accounts that consistently leave you feeling worse, and notice which sources leave you feeling informed rather than depleted.
    • Replace, do not just remove. Have something to reach for instead – a short walk, read a book, a few minutes of stretching, a text to a friend – so the urge to scroll has somewhere else to go.

If it feels bigger than a habit

For some people, doom scrolling is tangled up with something deeper – ongoing anxiety, low mood, difficulty tolerating uncertainty, or a nervous system that is been on high alert for a long time. If that sounds like you, it is not a sign of weakness. Additionally, you do not have to untangle it alone. In counselling, we can look at what the scrolling is really doing for you – what it is soothing, avoiding, or trying to control. Together, we can build a more sustainable way of relating to anxiety, news, and rest.

If you would like some support with this or other things, please get in touch to arrange an initial counselling session – carolineellisoncounselling@gmail.com

Caroline Ellison Accredited BACP Counsellor & Psychotherapist www.carolineellisoncounselling.co.uk Fleet, Hampshire | 07818 798597

This blog was collated from internet sources for information by a counsellor in Fleet, Hampshire – Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.

Sources:

This article has been created with the help of AI and is grounded in the science in current sources (Harvard Health, American Brain Foundation, Psychology Today, and a 2025 academic review on “dopamine-scrolling”)

Do you find it hard to make friends

Why Do Some People Find It Harder to Make Friends?

If making friends has always felt harder for you than it seems to for other people, you are not alone – and it’s rarely down to any single cause. In my work as a counsellor, this is something clients bring up often, usually with a good deal of self-blame attached. So I want to unpack what’s actually going on, because understanding the *why* can take a lot of that shame out of the picture.

Early experiences shape our starting point

The way we were cared for as children has a lasting effect on how easily we connect with others as adults. Children who grow up with consistent, responsive caregiving tend to develop what psychologists call secure attachment. That security becomes a kind of template – it makes it easier later in life to trust people, read social cues accurately, and tolerate the small vulnerabilities that friendship inevitably asks of us.

People whose early relationships were inconsistent, neglectful, or unpredictable often develop different patterns instead – perhaps pulling away from closeness, or feeling anxious about being rejected. These patterns can make new friendships genuinely harder to build and sustain, even when the desire for connection is just as strong.

Social skills are learned, not innate

For most of us, the skills involved in making friends are not something we are simply born with – they are built through practice. Reading tone of voice and body language, knowing how to open a conversation, sensing when someone wants to keep talking or wrap things up, gently recovering from an awkward moment – all of this is learned through repetition.

If you had fewer opportunities to practise – because of a difficult home life, frequent moves, social anxiety that kept you more isolated, or a neurodivergent way of processing social cues – it makes sense that friend-making would feel harder. That is not a reflection of how much you care about people; it is simply a matter of fewer reps and therefore less practise.

Mental health plays a significant role

Conditions like social anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem interfere directly with the very behaviours friendship depends on: reaching out first, sitting with a bit of awkwardness, believing you are worth someone’s time and attention. Depression in particular can create a difficult loop – withdrawing from others leads to fewer connections, which then deepens the low mood, making the next step outward feel even harder.

Personality and temperament matter too – but they are more neutral than they seem

It is worth saying clearly: introverts are not less capable of friendship. Many simply need fewer, deeper connections rather than a wide circle, and they often recharge through solitude rather than socialising. The trouble is that our culture tends to reward constant initiating and large social networks, so introverts can get unfairly read as “bad at” friendship when really they are just built differently.

Circumstances create – or remove – the opportunity

Friendship depends heavily on something researchers call repeated, low-stakes contact over time – simply crossing paths with the same people again and again in a relaxed setting. School does this for us automatically. Adulthood often does not. Working from home, moving cities, or taking on caregiving responsibilities can all quietly remove the structures that used to manufacture connection for us – and when that happens, even someone with strong social skills can struggle, purely because the opportunity is not there anymore.

How we see ourselves can become self-fulfilling

Finally, our own beliefs about our social ability shape our behaviour. If you have come to believe you are “just bad” at making friends, you may approach new people more guardedly, or give up sooner than you would otherwise – which can then reinforce the very belief you started with.

Where this leaves us

If any of this resonates, it is worth remembering that difficulty with friendship is almost never one single thing – it is usually some combination of early relational patterns, practised skill, mental health, temperament, and current circumstances. None of that means you are broken or destined to struggle forever. These patterns were learned, which means new ones can be learned too, often with the right support.

If you would like to explore what is been getting in the way of connection for you, I will be happy to help. Feel free to get in touch to arrange a session.

Caroline Ellison Accredited BACP Counsellor & Psychotherapist www.carolineellisoncounselling.co.uk Fleet, Hampshire | 07818 798597

This blog was collated from internet sources for information by a counsellor in Fleet, Hampshire – Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.

Healing After an Affair

Healing After an Affair: Gottman’s “Atone, Attune, Attach” Model

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful – or realising the damage your own choices have caused – can feel like the ground has disappeared beneath you. Many couples I work with arrive in this place utterly overwhelmed, unsure whether their relationship can survive and feel lost with what to do next to move forwards.

If both in the couple want to find a way to recovery, recovery is possible. It is not quick, and it is not easy, but many couples do come through an affair with a relationship that is more honest and more connected than it was before.

One of the most helpful frameworks I draw on in couples work is Dr John Gottman’s model for rebuilding trust after betrayal, often described as three phases:

**Atone, Attune, and Attach**

Gottman’s research has followed couples who successfully recovered from infidelity, and it found that healing tends to move through these three overlapping stages. I want to share a little about what each one involves, because understanding the shape of the road ahead can make it feel a little less frightening to walk.

It is rarely a straight line

Before I go into the three phases, it is important to say each couple will move through Atone, Attune and Attach in accordance to their relationship and its patterns. We are all unique and will approach this pathway to recovery in our own way. For example, you might feel steady one week and be back in raw pain the next. This is not a failure or a sign you not are doing it right – it is simply how healing from betrayal often goes. Most couples I see move backwards and forwards between these stages many times before they find solid ground again.  Trust the process.

Phase One: Atone

This is usually the hardest phase, and it is where the work of rebuilding safety begins. The partner who was unfaithful needs to take full responsibility for what happened:

      • without defensiveness
      • without minimising
      • without shifting any blame onto their partner.

This often means ending all contact with the affair partner, answering difficult questions honestly, and offering transparency in a way that helps rebuild a sense of safety, for as long as it’s needed.

Meanwhile, the hurt partner needs space to feel and express their pain

      • the shock
      • the grief
      • the anger – without being rushed through it.

It is very common for the same questions to come up again and again in this phase. That is not a setback; it is simply part of how the mind processes something so destabilising.

Atonement lays the foundation. Without genuine accountability here, it is very difficult for the next two phases to take root.

Phase Two: Attune

Once a degree of safety has been re-established, the focus shifts towards emotional connection. Attunement is about genuinely wanting to understand your partner’s inner world – their fears, their needs, their experience – even when what they share is painful to hear.

In sessions, I often encourage couples to build small, regular habits of checking in with one another: a few honest minutes each day where you share how you are really feeling, using “I” statements –

“I feel…” rather than “you always…”

Listening to understand, rather than to respond, is a skill and like any skill, it strengthens with practice. This is also where couples often start creating new, positive shared experiences that are not overshadowed by the affair.

Phase Three: Attach

The final phase is about rebuilding closeness – emotionally and physically – and forming a renewed sense of “us.” This includes restoring physical intimacy, but only at a pace that feels genuinely safe for both partners, with open conversation about needs and boundaries along the way.

It is common for intrusive thoughts or old fears to resurface during intimate moments, even once a couple feels they have made real progress. This is a normal part of healing, not a sign that something is wrong. Couples in this phase often find it helpful to create small new rituals together – a weekly date night, a nightly check-in – that help build fresh memories and a renewed sense of partnership.

A gentle reminder

There is no fixed timetable for this work. Meaningful healing after betrayal often takes a year or more, and that is completely normal. What matters far more than speed is consistency – small, honest steps taken again and again, on both sides.

If you and your partner are trying to find your way back to each other after an affair, please know that you do not have to do this alone. Couples counselling can offer a safe, structured space to work through each of these phases at a pace that feels right for you both. If this is something you are facing, I will be glad to talk with you about how I can support you. You can get in touch via the contact page to arrange a first session. Taking that first step is brave, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Caroline Ellison Accredited BACP Counsellor & Psychotherapist www.carolineellisoncounselling.co.uk Fleet, Hampshire | 07818 798597

This blog was collated from internet sources for information by a counsellor in Fleet, Hampshire – Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.

Kindness and Compassion

The Quiet Power of Kindness and Compassion — In Life and in the Therapy Room

By Caroline Ellison | Caroline Ellison Counselling, Fleet, Hampshire

There’s a moment that happens, quite often, early in a first counselling session. Someone sits down, takes a breath, and says something like: “I feel silly being here – other people have it so much worse than me.”

It breaks my heart a little, every time. Not because it is not understandable – it absolutely is – but because it reveals something so many of us share: a deep reluctance to extend to ourselves the same kindness we would readily offer to anyone else we love.

Kindness and compassion are not soft, optional extras in a well-lived life. They are, I believe, absolutely central to it and they are just as central to meaningful, healing therapy.

What Does Compassion Actually Mean?

Compassion is more than being nice. The word itself comes from the Latin compassio – meaning to suffer with. It’s the willingness to turn towards pain, rather than away from it, and to respond with warmth rather than judgement.

We tend to find this relatively straightforward when someone we love is hurting. A friend going through a bereavement, a partner struggling with anxiety, a child who is frightened – we don’t tell them to pull themselves together. We sit with them. We listen. We let them know they are not alone.

And yet, when we are the ones who are struggling? So many of us switch into a very different mode. We tell ourselves we should be coping better, feeling differently, doing more. We minimise our own pain, dismiss our own needs, and push on – often until we simply can’t any more.

This isn’t a character flaw. It’s something most of us have learned, over many years, and often for very understandable reasons. But it can quietly wear us down.

Why Kindness to Ourselves Matters So Much

Research in psychology and the work of compassion-focused therapists like Professor Paul Gilbert  has shown that self-compassion is genuinely transformative. It is not self-indulgence or weakness. In fact, people who are able to be kinder to themselves tend to be more resilient, not less. They recover more readily from setbacks. They are more willing to acknowledge mistakes without being floored by them. They are, often, more compassionate towards others too.

Think of it this way: if you were tending to a garden and one of the plants was wilting, you wouldn’t berate it for not thriving. You would wonder what it needed. More water, perhaps or a little more light, maybe some shelter from the wind.

We are not so different. We flourish with the right conditions and kindness is one of them.

Compassion in the Therapy Room

When someone comes to see me, they bring their whole story, the parts they are proud of, and the parts they feel ashamed of. Often, things they have not spoken about for years or at all. The worries that circle in the small hours and so much more.

My role is not to judge and show unconditional positive regard whilst showing empathy to them. It is to create a space where they feel safe and can talk openly, honestly and without fear.

That is compassion in practice. It means listening without an agenda. It means reflecting back what I hear with warmth and honesty. It means trusting that you are doing your best with what you have and that with the right support, things can shift and change.

Kindness in therapy is not just about being gentle, though. Sometimes compassion means gently challenging a pattern of thinking that is keeping someone stuck. Sometimes it means sitting with a silence because that’s what the moment needs. Sometimes it means saying something that is hard to hear, but that needs to be said because real care includes honesty.

True compassion holds both.

Small Acts, Big Difference

You don’t have to wait for a dramatic life change to start practising more kindness towards yourself or others. It lives in the small moments:

  • Pausing before you speak harshly to yourself and asking: would I say this to someone I love?
  • Allowing yourself to rest when you are tired, without guilt.
  • Reaching out to someone you’ve been thinking of, even with a simple message.
  • Noticing when you are struggling and asking for help, rather than pushing through alone.
  • Giving yourself credit for what you are managing, not just judging yourself for what you aren’t.

These things may seem small. They are not. Over time, they become the architecture of how you relate to yourself and that shapes everything.

You Deserve Kindness Too

If you are reading this and thinking yes, but, if there is a voice telling you that you don’t quite qualify for compassion, that you need to earn it, that it is for everyone else but somehow not for you – I want to say this directly:

That voice is wrong.

You do not need to have suffered enough, or tried hard enough, or reached some invisible threshold of deservingness. You are human. You are doing your best and you deserve kindness – including from yourself.

That is something I genuinely believe, and it is something I hold at the heart of my work with every single person I see.

A Gentle Invitation

If you are going through a difficult time and feel ready to talk, reach out for support to a counsellor. Counselling is not about being fixed. It is about being heard, understood, and supported with warmth, without judgement, and with all the compassion you deserve.

I would love to hear from you. You can get in touch via the contact page to arrange a first session, or simply to ask any questions. Taking that first step is brave, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Caroline Ellison is an accredited member of the BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy), offering individual counselling, EMDR therapy, and couples therapy from her practice in Fleet, Hampshire — in person and online.

Understanding the Locus of Evaluation

Whose Voice Are You Living By? Understanding the Locus of Evaluation

Have you ever made a decision and immediately looked around wondering what others would think? Have you found yourself dismissing your own feelings because a parent, partner, or colleague seemed to disapprove? Or perhaps you have achieved something wonderful, yet felt unable to truly celebrate it until someone else confirmed that it was, in fact, worth celebrating?

If any of this feels familiar, you may be living with what psychologists call an External Locus of Evaluation and you are far from alone. In my counselling room, it is one of the most common patterns I see. The good news is that it can change.

What Is a Locus of Evaluation?

The term comes from the work of Carl Rogers, the psychologist who developed Person-Centred Therapy, the humanistic approach which underpins much of how many counsellors work with  clients.

The word locus simply means location or source. The Locus of Evaluation refers to where you place the authority for judging your own worth, feelings, decisions, and experiences.

There are two positions this can sit in:

  • External Locus of Evaluation — the authority sits outside of you, in other people’s opinions, society’s expectations, or others’ approval.
  • Internal Locus of Evaluation — the authority sits within you, in your own feelings, values, and sense of self.

None of us are ever entirely one or the other, we all carry both. However, many people who come to counselling discover that, for much of their lives, they have been living almost entirely from their External Locus of Evaluation and that this has taken a quiet but significant toll.

The External Locus of Evaluation: Living for Others

When your Locus of Evaluation is primarily external, your sense of who you are and whether you are “OK” becomes dependent on the world around you.

You might recognise some of these experiences:

  • Constantly seeking reassurance
    Needing others to confirm that your feelings are valid, your choices are right, or that you are good enough.
  • Difficulty making decisions
    Feeling paralysed unless you know what others think, or what is expected of you.
  • Chronic people-pleasing
    Saying yes when you mean no, shrinking your needs to keep others comfortable.
  • Harsh self-criticism
    Judging yourself through the imagined eyes of others, often with a harshness you would never apply to a friend. This comes in forms such as Negative Self Talk.
  • Emotional dependency
    Feeling only as good as the last compliment, or as worthless as the last criticism.
  • Anxiety and low self-esteem
    Because when your sense of worth is held by others, it is always, by definition, outside of your control.

Where Does It Come From?

An external locus of evaluation is rarely a character flaw, it is most often a very understandable response to early experiences.

Carl Rogers believed that as children, we all have a deep need for unconditional positive regard – to be loved and accepted simply for who we are, not for what we do or how we perform. When that love becomes conditional, for example,  “I’ll be proud of you if you do well”, “Don’t be so sensitive”, “What will people think?” – we quickly learn to look outward to understand what is acceptable, and we begin to distrust our own inner signals.

Over time, those external voices become internalised. The critical parent, the dismissive teacher, the unpredictable partner, their voices can become our voice. And we may not even notice that we are no longer speaking to ourselves; we are speaking as them.

The Internal Locus of Evaluation: Coming Home to Yourself

An Internal Locus of Evaluation means that, while you remain open to feedback and connection with others, you are the primary author of your own experience. You trust your own feelings as meaningful data. You can sit with your own sense of what is right for you, even when others disagree.

This does not mean becoming self-absorbed or dismissing others entirely. It means having a stable core from which you engage with the world, rather than a self that is endlessly shaped and reshaped by whoever is in the room.

Carl Rogers described the person with a strong internal locus as having what he called self-actualising tendencies – a natural movement toward growth, authenticity, and wholeness, when the conditions are right to allow it.

Here is what living from an internal locus can feel like:
  1. A Quieter Inner Critic
    When your sense of worth comes from within, the relentless inner commentary – “Am I doing enough? Do they like me? Was that wrong?” – begins to soften. You are no longer endlessly auditing yourself against an imagined external standard.
  1. Deeper Self-Trust
    You begin to notice your own feelings as reliable guides. If something feels wrong, that matters – even if no one else has said it is wrong. If something feels right and meaningful, you can act on that without needing permission.
  1. More Authentic Relationships
    When you are not performing for approval, your relationships change. You can be genuinely present rather than managing how you are perceived. You can say no without the weight of guilt, and yes without the shadow of resentment. Connection becomes real rather than strategic.
  1. Greater Resilience
    Criticism, conflict, and disappointment are part of life. But when your core sense of self does not depend on others’ approval, these things become easier to weather. You can hear difficult feedback without being shattered by it, and you can recover from setbacks with a steadier sense of who you still are.
  1. Freedom From the “Conditions of Worth”
    Rogers coined the phrase “conditions of worth” to describe the internal rules we develop – often in childhood – about what we must be or do in order to deserve love and belonging. “I am only loveable when I am successful.” “I must never show anger.” “My needs are not as important as others’.”

Developing an internal locus means gradually challenging these conditions. It means discovering that your worth is not something you earn, it is something you already possess.

How Counselling Supports This Shift

One of the most important things Counsellors offer in their sessions is something Rogers described as the therapeutic relationship itself – a space of unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence. For many people, this is the first experience of being truly seen and accepted without conditions.

That experience matters more than it might sound. When someone has spent years earning their sense of worth, being held with consistent warmth – regardless of what they share, how they feel, or what they have done – can begin to show them something new: that they are acceptable simply as they are.

Over time, in counselling you might:

  • Gently explore – where the external voices came from, and whose they originally were.
  • Name the patterns – people-pleasing, self-silencing, approval-seeking with compassion rather than judgement.
  • Begin to notice – your own feelings, values and needs as valid and worth attending to.
  • Practise small acts of self-trust – in the safety of the therapeutic relationship, before trying them in the wider world.
  • Gradually loosen – the conditions of worth that have kept you small.

The shift from external to internal is not a sudden transformation. It is a slow, tender process of turning toward yourself – perhaps for the first time. It is one of the most meaningful journeys as a counsellor to walk alongside with clients.

A Final Thought

There is a question I sometimes invite clients to sit with, gently:

“If no one was watching, and no one would ever know – what would feel right to you?”

If that question feels almost impossible to answer, it might be telling you something important.

You deserve to know your own mind. You deserve to trust your own heart. And you deserve a space where that discovery can begin.

If you would like to explore this in counselling, I offer both in-person sessions from my peaceful cabin in Fleet, Hampshire, and online sessions via Zoom. I work with adults across Fleet, Farnborough, Aldershot, Camberley and beyond.

Feel free to get in touch — I would love to hear from you.

Caroline Ellison Accredited BACP Counsellor & Psychotherapist www.carolineellisoncounselling.co.uk Fleet, Hampshire | 07818 798597

This blog was collated from internet sources for information by a counsellor in Fleet, Hampshire – Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.

Menopause and how it affects the Brain and Anxiety

Lowering Oestrogen levels in women and how it affects the brain and anxiety

There is a lot of information about perimenopause and ‘the change’ out there which can be helpful and in the case of a menopausal brain, sometimes overwhelming. With the help of ‘AI’ I wanted to post some salient facts which I hope will help you understand what may be going on.

Lowering oestrogen in women commonly increases risk of anxiety and alters brain function – especially during rapid declines (perimenopause, surgical menopause). The effects vary by age, individual vulnerability, and how quickly levels fall.

Key brain mechanisms

  • Serotonin system:
    • Oestrogen upregulates serotonin synthesis, receptor expression, and transporter function. Lower oestrogen → reduced serotonergic tone, which can increase anxiety and mood symptoms.
  • GABAergic inhibition:
    • Oestrogen modulates GABA (brain’s primary inhibitory system). Loss of oestrogen can reduce GABAergic regulation, increasing neural excitability and anxious arousal.
  • HPA axis / stress response:
    • Oestrogen normally buffers stress reactivity. Low oestrogen → exaggerated cortisol responses and prolonged stress signalling.
  • Amygdala / prefrontal cortex balance:
    • Reduced oestrogen is associated with greater amygdala reactivity to threat and weaker prefrontal regulation, promoting anxiety and impaired emotion regulation.
  • Neuroplasticity and neurotrophic support:
    • Oestrogen promotes BDNF and synaptic plasticity (hippocampus, prefrontal cortex). Declines can impair cognitive flexibility and increase vulnerability to mood/anxiety symptoms.
  • Neuroinflammation:
    • Lower oestrogen may increase pro-inflammatory signalling that can affect mood and cognition.

Clinical patterns and evidence

  • Perimenopause (fluctuating then falling oestrogen) is a high-risk window for new or worsened anxiety and depression.
  • Surgical menopause (oophorectomy) or abrupt treatment-induced menopause produces more pronounced mood/anxiety effects than gradual decline.
  • Many women report worry, panic symptoms, irritability, sleep disturbance (which itself worsens anxiety), and cognitive complaints (concentration, memory).
  • Not all women develop anxiety – risk is higher with prior mood/anxiety disorder, stressful life events, poor sleep, or lack of social support.

Implications for management

  • Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) can reduce vasomotor symptoms and often improves mood/anxiety for many women when started appropriately; benefits vs risks depend on age, timing, and medical history.
  • Antidepressants (SSRIs/SNRIs) can treat anxiety symptoms and are often effective during perimenopause/menopause.
  • Counselling / Psychotherapy for anxiety, sleep interventions, exercise, and addressing lifestyle factors (sleep, caffeine, alcohol) help substantially.
  • If symptoms are new, severe, or disabling, evaluate with a clinician to rule out other causes and to discuss HRT risks/benefits and psychiatric treatment options.

Behavioural strategies for anxiety and menopause-related symptoms

  • Sleep hygiene:
    • Regular sleep schedule, cool bedroom, limit screens before bed, avoid heavy meals/caffeine/alcohol near bedtime. Treat hot-flash-related sleep disruption (layered bedding, fan).
  • Therapy for insomnia such as Cognitive-behavioural (CBT-I) techniques:
    • Stimulus control, sleep restriction, relaxation.
  • Counselling / Pshychotherapy for anxiety:
    • Cognitive restructuring, exposure for panic/avoidance, worry-management, problem-solving.
  • Relaxation and mind-body:
    • Progressive muscle relaxation, diaphragmatic breathing, mindfulness meditation, guided imagery. Short daily practice (10–20 min) reduces physiological arousal.
  • Exercise:
    • Regular aerobic exercise (150 min/week moderate) and resistance training; helps mood, sleep, and overall health.
  • Weight, diet, caffeine, alcohol:
    • Maintain healthy weight; reduce caffeine and alcohol if they trigger anxiety or hot flashes.
  • Social support and stress management:
    • Peer groups, counselling, time-management, and reducing chronic stressors where possible.
  • Behavioural strategies for hot flashes:
    • Layered clothing, portable fans, paced breathing, avoiding triggers (hot drinks, spicy food, alcohol).

Benefits of Counselling / Psychotherapy for anxiety in perimenopause

  • Combined approach:
    • Psychotherapy plus HRT or medications (SSRIs/SNRIs) often yields better outcomes than either alone for significant symptoms.
  • Efficacy:
    • CBT is well-supported for generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and insomnia across ages and retains effectiveness during menopause.
  • Targets:
    • Reduces worry, catastrophic thinking, avoidance behaviours, and physiological arousal; improves coping with menopausal symptoms (hot flashes, sleep loss).
  • Symptom improvement:
    • Reduces anxiety severity, panic frequency, and depressive symptoms; improves sleep quality and quality of life.
  • Durability:
    • Benefits often persist after treatment through learned skills; booster sessions can maintain gains.
  • Mode and access:
    • Effective in individual, group, and guided self-help formats.

I hope this no nonsense straight talking blog will help you understand what is happening to you. If you are struggling with change and you feel that talking with a Counsellor will support you please get in touch.

Remember, you are not alone in this and there is a lot of great support out there you. Do not suffer in silence, reach out and grab the support. Take care of you.

Menopause support

If you are experiencing menopause issues, you are not alone, there are many people who are here to support you. There are helplines and support groups who will offer support, below are some of those who can offer expert advice.

The Menopause Charity – https://themenopausecharity.org/
The British Menopause Society – https://thebms.org.uk/
Menopause Support – https://menopausesupport.co.uk/

This blog was collated from internet sources for information by a counsellor in Fleet, Hampshire – Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.

Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA)

Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA)

What is (EBSA)?

EBSA is when a child or young person repeatedly struggles to attend school because of intense emotional distress. It’s not defiance – it is usually driven by anxiety, panic, depression, sensory overwhelm, bullying, or undiagnosed neurodiversity. Distress often builds before school, and physical symptoms (stomach aches, headaches, nausea, panic) are common.

Key signs
  • High anxiety or dread about school mornings
  • Frequent physical complaints that ease when away from school
  • Avoidance behaviours (refusing to leave, clinging, hiding)
  • Mood changes: tearfulness, shutdown, irritability
  • Falling behind academically or missing lessons
  • Withdrawal from peers or teachers

How to support EBSA  

Take a calm, curious, collaborative approach to find some understanding about what is evoking the symptoms. Avoidance may make sense as it reduces distress short-term, however this will not be a long term strategy.

What can you do?
  • Listen and assess safety (including risk of self-harm)
  • Build a simple formulation: triggers, thoughts, feelings, and avoidance patterns
  • Use integrative, evidence-informed methods:
    • CBT for anxious thoughts,
    • graded exposure to rebuild tolerance,
    • emotion-regulation and sensory strategies,
    • family coaching,
    • and school liaison
  • Pace the work by the young person’s tolerance and build small, achievable steps

Practical steps families can try now

  • Validate feelings: “I can see you’re really scared” rather than minimising.
  • Keep routines steady: sleep, meals and morning structure help regulation.
  • Start tiny: short, achievable goals (e.g., visit school gate, stay 30 minutes).
  • Create a coping toolkit:
    • breathing, grounding, headphones, safe space.
  • Avoid punishment;
    • use problem-solving and celebrate small wins.
  • Talk with school: share the plan so everyone responds consistently.
When to seek more support

If avoidance is persistent, worsening, or accompanied by severe depression or self-harm, seek specialist help early—consistent intervention improves outcomes.

Here are practical support networks and services for families dealing with EBSA

Clinical and statutory services
  • GP — first contact for assessment, referrals to CAMHS, medication discussion, and sick-note advice.
  • CAMHS / community child mental health teams – assessment and therapy for moderate–severe anxiety, depression or risk.
  • Local authority Educational Psychology Service – school-focused assessment, attendance strategies, and advice for adjustments.
  • Local Inclusion/Special Educational Needs teams (SEN/Inclusion) – support plans, reduced timetables, EHCP advice, mediation with school.
  • School-based support – SENCo, pastoral leads, safeguarding teams, counsellors or wellbeing staff for daily adjustments and liaison.

Charities and specialist organisations

  • Anna Freud Centre — resources and training for child mental health and school-related anxiety.
  • YoungMinds — parent advice, crisis support info, guides on anxiety and school refusal.
  • Place2Be — school-based mental health services and resources.
  • NSPCC — support around safeguarding concerns, abuse or exploitation.
  • Ambitious about Autism — if neurodivergence is involved, practical resources and advocacy.
  • Social Anxiety UK — peer resources and coping strategies for social anxiety that often underpins EBSA.
Parent and peer support
  • Local parent/carer support groups — many areas have face-to-face or virtual groups for school refusal/mental health (search “school refusal support [your area]”).
  • Online forums and closed Facebook groups — peer advice, shared strategies, and emotional support (look for moderated, specialist-led groups).
Education & legal advice
  • SENDIASS (Special Educational Needs & Disabilities Information Advice and Support Service) — independent advice on school rights, EHCPs and exclusions.
  • Education Otherwise / Home education networks — if school absence becomes long-term and you consider alternatives.
Crisis and safety
  • NHS 111 / 999 — for immediate medical or psychiatric emergencies.
  • Samaritans (116 123) — emotional support 24/7.
  • Local crisis teams — check local CAMHS crisis or urgent care lines.

This blog was collated from internet sources for information by a counsellor in Fleet, Hampshire – Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.

Dive Response to Regulate Emotions

Using the Dive Response to Regulate Emotions

Have you ever splashed water on your face to settle your nerves? That instinctive action taps into the Dive Response. When you put your face into water, it triggers this natural reflex, helping your body reset and manage your emotions.

What is the Dive Response?

The Dive Response, also called the mammalian dive reflex, is an automatic physiological reaction that happens when your face contacts water. It involves a set of autonomic nervous system responses aimed at conserving oxygen and keeping your vital organs safe during submersion. Although it’s well-known in diving mammals and human breath-holding, recent research indicates it might also be a powerful tool for emotional regulation.

Understanding the Dive Response

This reflex brings about three main changes in your body:

  1. Bradycardia – your heart slows down
  2. Peripheral vasoconstriction – blood vessels in your extremities tighten
  3. Apnea – a pause in breathing

These reactions work together to save oxygen for organs like your brain and heart. When water touches your face, it activates the trigeminal nerve, which sends signals to your brainstem to automatically kick in these responses.

The Connection Between the Dive Response and Emotions

Studies show that activating the dive response can influence your emotional state in multiple ways:

  • Reducing Stress and Anxiety:
    The calming effects of slowing your heart and controlling your breath mimic meditation. Using controlled breath-holding exercises can help you feel more relaxed, lowering stress hormones like cortisol.
  • Balancing Your Nervous System:
    The dive reflex stimulates your parasympathetic nervous system, the part that promotes rest and recovery. Regular practice, like underwater breathing (meaning breath-holding, free diving, or specific breathing techniques) or face immersion, can build emotional resilience and help manage mood swings.
  • Boosting Focus and Mindfulness:
    The intense concentration required during breath-holding can create a meditative state. This heightened awareness can break negative thought cycles, supporting emotional stability.

Therapeutic Possibilities

More and more, professionals are exploring how to use the dive response for emotional health. Techniques such as static apnea or simply immersing your face in water are being looked at as safe, non-invasive ways to ease anxiety, PTSD, and mood issues. These methods harness your body’s natural responses to cultivate calm and emotional balance.

In Summary

The mammalian dive reflex isn’t just a survival tool for underwater adventures, it is a promising method for emotional regulation, helping reduce stress, clear your mind, and build resilience. As science advances, incorporating dive response techniques into mindfulness and therapy could become a valuable part of emotional wellness strategies.

This blog was collated from internet sources for information by a counsellor in Fleet, Hampshire – Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.

 

Recognising Aggressive Speech Tactics and how to Address them

Recognising Aggressive Speech Tactics and how to Address them

If you are in situations where you experience or notice tactics used to dominate, manipulate or intimidate others in conversation, this blog may be of interest and support. It is important to be authentic and support self and when you recognise aggressive speech have some ways to address it.

  1. Interrupting and Talking Over You
    Goal: To silence you, dominate the conversation and make you feel unheard.
    Address: Use firm calm redirection. Say “I wasn’t finished speaking”. Finish what you have to say without raising your voice. If they persist, pause and give them space to expose their aggression, making it obvious to others.

  2. Rapid-Fire Questions (Machine Gunning)
    Goal: To overwhelm you and prevent a well thought out response.
    Address: Stay calm and answer one question at a time. Say “Let’s address one point first before moving on.”

  3. Personal Attacks and Insults (Ad Hominem)
    Goal: To discredit you instead of your argument.
    Address: Stay focused and say “Let’s stick to the issue instead of making it personal.” If necessary, call it out “Attacking me doesn’t change the facts”.

  4. Gaslighting
    Goal: To make you doubt your perception, feelings or memory.
    Address: Stand firm in your truth and avoid endless debate: “I know what happened.” or “That is not how I remember it”. If necessary, pause or end the conversation.

  5. False Dichotomies (Black and White Thinking)
    Goal: To trap you into choosing between two extremes, when other options exist.
    Address: Challenge the framing: “That’s not the only way to look at it”. Offer alternative perspectives: “There’s actually a middle ground.”

  6. Moving the Goalposts (Constantly Changing Expectations)
    Goal: To ensure you can never “win” or satisfy their demands.
    Address: Set clear limits and call it out “You keep changing the standard – what exactly do you want?”

  7. Mockery and Sarcasm
    Goal: To belittle you and make your points seem ridiculous.
    Address: Stay neutral and say “I don’t respond to insults. If you have a real point, say it directly.”

  8. Shifting Blame (Whataboutism and Deflection)
    Goal: To avoid accountability by bringing up unrelated issues.
    Address: Refocus the conversation: “We can talk about that later – right now, we are discussing this.” If necessary, call out the tactic: “That’s not what we are addressing here.”

  9. Intimidation (Yelling, Threats, Aggressive Gestures)
    Goal: To make you feel afraid or powerless.
    Address: Stay calm and don’t mirror their aggression. Say “I won’t be spoken to like this.” If it escalates, walk away or seek outside intervention.

  10. Guilt Tripping and Emotional Manipulation
    Goal: To control you by making you feel guilty.
    Address: Set firm emotional boundaries. Say: “We are all responsible for our own feelings and choices.” “I can be supportive but will not be manipulated.”

I hope you found this article helpful.

Collated by your local counsellor in Fleet, Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions . Carpe Diem.

How to unmask and discover who you really are

How to Unmask and Discover you really are

Unmasking and discovering who you really are is a deeply personal and transformative journey. It involves peeling away layers of societal expectations, inherited beliefs and fears to reveal your authentic self.

Here are a few steps to help discover and understand the layers to peel them away:

  1. Self-Reflection

    • Ask yourself deep questions: Take time to reflect on who you truly are, outside of external influences. What are your values, passions and desires? What do you love doing when no one is watching?
      • Suggested questions:
        • What happened today that bought me joy?
        • What happened today that made me anxious?
        • What jobs/tasks did I enjoy?
        • What jobs/tasks frustrated me?
    • Keep a journal: Write down your thoughts and feelings regularly. This can help you understand your true nature over time.
    • Identify your masks: Notice how you behave in different situations. Are you pretending to be someone you’re not to fit in or avoid conflict?

  1. Let Go of External Expectations

    • Release the need to please others: Often, we wear masks to conform to what others expect of us, whether it’s our family, society, or friends. Start letting go of the idea that you need to meet everyone else’s expectations to be happy.
    • Embrace your individuality: Understand that it’s okay to be different. Be proud of who you are and discover that your unique qualities are what make you special.

  1. Confront Your Fears

      • Face your insecurities: Fear often causes us to hide parts of ourselves. Identify the fears that make you put on a mask. Perhaps it is fear of rejection, failure, or judgment? Confronting and overcoming these fears can help you discover your authentic self.
      • Step out of your comfort zone: Don’t let your comfort zone become your cage. Take small risks by expressing yourself in ways that feel vulnerable but true. This could be through sharing your real thoughts, trying new things, or speaking up for what you believe in. When you do this notice how you feel.

  1. Cultivate Self-Compassion

    • Accept yourself fully: Self-acceptance is crucial in the journey of unmasking. Understand that you are human and it is okay to have flaws and imperfections. Treat yourself with kindness, compassion and patience.
    • Forgive yourself: We all make mistakes. Forgiving yourself for past choices can help you move forward with a clearer sense of who you are.

  1. Connect with Like-Minded People

    • Surround yourself with authenticity: Being around people who are unapologetically themselves can inspire you to do the same. Healthy relationships are built on honesty and mutual respect and these people will encourage your authentic self.
    • Seek mentors or guides: Sometimes, someone who has already gone through their own self-discovery journey can help guide and support you in your own.

  1. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation

    • Cultivate awareness: Mindfulness helps you stay present and aware of your thoughts, feelings and actions. Through mindfulness, you can recognize when you’re slipping into old patterns of behaviour or wearing a mask. Get to know yourself better.
    • Meditate for clarity: Regular meditation can help quiet the mind and let you tap into a deeper sense of self-awareness. Find what works for you to connect with your true inner self.

    1. Follow Your Passions

    • Do what brings you joy: When you’re engaged in activities that make you feel alive, you’re tapping into your true self. Pay attention to what excites and motivates you and follow those interests with an open heart.
    • Take time for creative expression: Creativity is a great way to express your true self, whether through art, writing, music, or even just daydreaming. It allows you to break free from limitations and connect with your innermost desires.

  1. Seek Professional Guidance

    • Therapy or coaching: Sometimes, the support of a therapist or life coach can help you uncover who you really are, especially if past trauma or conditioning has obscured your self-awareness.

    1. Embrace Change and Growth

    • Allow yourself to evolve: Remember that self-discovery is an ongoing process. The person you are today may not be the person you are tomorrow. Embrace growth and do not be afraid to change as you uncover more about yourself. It will be liberating.

  1. Trust Yourself

    • Listen to your intuition: Your inner voice is a guide to who you really are. Trusting your gut feelings can lead you to make choices that are aligned with your authentic self.

Remember, the journey to uncover who you truly are is not a linear path, it is a path unique to you. It is likely to be full of exploration, twists and moments of self-doubt. But every step you take brings you closer to embracing the person you were always meant to be. Enjoy the journey, it is worth and so are you.

For individual counselling I am here for you. Contact me to book an initial session and I will support you.

If you are in crisis and want immediate support please call the Samaritans who offer a free 24 hour helpline – Phone: 116 123 – Website: www.samaritans.org

Created by your local counsellor in Fleet, Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions . Carpe Diem.