What is Shame?
“I am bad. The focus is on self, not behaviour. The result is feeling flawed and unworthy of love, belonging and connection. Shame is not a driver of positive change.” – Atlas of the Heart – Brene Brown.
Shame is systemic, we feel it in our whole body. Shame is often delivered from our primary carer from infancy to teach us a moral code. It can be constructive, supportive and guiding when used for good. However, shame can be toxic, it can mould our values, it can change our perspective, it can leave us feeling utterly hopeless. Shame delivered with contempt can change the way we look at life and how we respond to experience. Our life script can be tainted by shame and this can become a burden in our adulthood.
Simple expressions meant without malice such as:
“Are you going out like that”
“You never get it right”
“What is wrong with you …”
“How many times do I have to tell you before you get it”
“That is not good enough”
“You won’t be able to do that”
“How dare you talk to me like that”
“Don’t you dare tell anyone about this!”
The list of expressions tainted with shame is endless.
The thing about shame!
The thing about shame is it is fueled with judgement, secrecy and silence which is why it can not survive if it is called out by you and responded to with empathy. It loses it’s power to hold you back if you know your true self. It’s power to influence your choices is reduced if you have a deep self-awareness. If you have been raised under the shadow of shame, understanding this, recognising it and processing any unresolved issues manifested by it are likely to unburden the weight of shame.
Shame in Childhood
Shame in childhood can be used as a self-defense mechanism to abuse, where the defense is to over compensate for the shame by bragging, exaggerating and promoting the false image of self as a way to tell the world or the original shamer, “I will not let you shame me or make me feel inadequate”
Shame as an Adult
Shame as a adult may drive a person to drink or drugs which evokes a sense of shamelessness, being numb. Avoiding the feeling of shame may lead to minimising, denial, with drawal. Shame is the rupture of the interpersonal bridge. Shame may lead to an attack of self where the inner critic says “I deserve this, it’s my fault”. Shame may lead to submission and doing whatever it takes to keep a sense of feeling happy or safe.
Support through Counselling
If your history is littered with shame, with support, through counselling it is possible to reframe shame and see it as the foundation of who you are. In the here and now, who you are today is what matters. Where you go into your future with deep self-awareness and understanding of yourself is driven by you today.
Shame makes us feel deeply uncomfortable however with courage, compassion and connection, shame can be called out and the affect of it can be changed through reparation, forgiveness and understanding. Empathy is the greatest weapon for shame as shame cannot exist in the face of empathy.
My take on Shame
Many have researched shame for their life’s work and this is a collection of thoughts collated from different sources including my own experience. I am not an expert on shame, however, having been subjected to shame throughout my life in different guises I see it clearly when it has an impact my thinking. I also see how it affects clients in my counselling cabin. Working with shame as a counsellor I will sit with you and support you through understanding and empathy. Do not let shame weigh you down anymore!
If you are in crisis and want immediate support please call the Samaritans who offer a free 24 hour helpline – Phone: 116 123 – Website: www.samaritans.org
Written by your local counsellor in Fleet, Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.