Why Do Some People Find It Harder to Make Friends?

If making friends has always felt harder for you than it seems to for other people, you are not alone – and it’s rarely down to any single cause. In my work as a counsellor, this is something clients bring up often, usually with a good deal of self-blame attached. So I want to unpack what’s actually going on, because understanding the *why* can take a lot of that shame out of the picture.

Early experiences shape our starting point

The way we were cared for as children has a lasting effect on how easily we connect with others as adults. Children who grow up with consistent, responsive caregiving tend to develop what psychologists call secure attachment. That security becomes a kind of template – it makes it easier later in life to trust people, read social cues accurately, and tolerate the small vulnerabilities that friendship inevitably asks of us.

People whose early relationships were inconsistent, neglectful, or unpredictable often develop different patterns instead – perhaps pulling away from closeness, or feeling anxious about being rejected. These patterns can make new friendships genuinely harder to build and sustain, even when the desire for connection is just as strong.

Social skills are learned, not innate

For most of us, the skills involved in making friends are not something we are simply born with – they are built through practice. Reading tone of voice and body language, knowing how to open a conversation, sensing when someone wants to keep talking or wrap things up, gently recovering from an awkward moment – all of this is learned through repetition.

If you had fewer opportunities to practise – because of a difficult home life, frequent moves, social anxiety that kept you more isolated, or a neurodivergent way of processing social cues – it makes sense that friend-making would feel harder. That is not a reflection of how much you care about people; it is simply a matter of fewer reps and therefore less practise.

Mental health plays a significant role

Conditions like social anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem interfere directly with the very behaviours friendship depends on: reaching out first, sitting with a bit of awkwardness, believing you are worth someone’s time and attention. Depression in particular can create a difficult loop – withdrawing from others leads to fewer connections, which then deepens the low mood, making the next step outward feel even harder.

Personality and temperament matter too – but they are more neutral than they seem

It is worth saying clearly: introverts are not less capable of friendship. Many simply need fewer, deeper connections rather than a wide circle, and they often recharge through solitude rather than socialising. The trouble is that our culture tends to reward constant initiating and large social networks, so introverts can get unfairly read as “bad at” friendship when really they are just built differently.

Circumstances create – or remove – the opportunity

Friendship depends heavily on something researchers call repeated, low-stakes contact over time – simply crossing paths with the same people again and again in a relaxed setting. School does this for us automatically. Adulthood often does not. Working from home, moving cities, or taking on caregiving responsibilities can all quietly remove the structures that used to manufacture connection for us – and when that happens, even someone with strong social skills can struggle, purely because the opportunity is not there anymore.

How we see ourselves can become self-fulfilling

Finally, our own beliefs about our social ability shape our behaviour. If you have come to believe you are “just bad” at making friends, you may approach new people more guardedly, or give up sooner than you would otherwise – which can then reinforce the very belief you started with.

Where this leaves us

If any of this resonates, it is worth remembering that difficulty with friendship is almost never one single thing – it is usually some combination of early relational patterns, practised skill, mental health, temperament, and current circumstances. None of that means you are broken or destined to struggle forever. These patterns were learned, which means new ones can be learned too, often with the right support.

If you would like to explore what is been getting in the way of connection for you, I will be happy to help. Feel free to get in touch to arrange a session.

Caroline Ellison Accredited BACP Counsellor & Psychotherapist www.carolineellisoncounselling.co.uk Fleet, Hampshire | 07818 798597

This blog was collated from internet sources for information by a counsellor in Fleet, Hampshire – Caroline at Caroline Ellison Counselling – this is my experience and these are my opinions. Carpe Diem.

Healing After an Affair: Gottman’s “Atone, Attune, Attach” Model

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful – or realising the damage your own choices have caused – can feel like the ground has disappeared beneath you. Many couples I work with arrive in this place utterly overwhelmed, unsure whether their relationship can survive and feel lost with what to do next to move forwards.

If both in the couple want to find a way to recovery, recovery is possible. It is not quick, and it is not easy, but many couples do come through an affair with a relationship that is more honest and more connected than it was before.

One of the most helpful frameworks I draw on in couples work is Dr John Gottman’s model for rebuilding trust after betrayal, often described as three phases:

**Atone, Attune, and Attach**

Gottman’s research has followed couples who successfully recovered from infidelity, and it found that healing tends to move through these three overlapping stages. I want to share a little about what each one involves, because understanding the shape of the road ahead can make it feel a little less frightening to walk.

It is rarely a straight line

Before I go into the three phases, it is important to say each couple will move through Atone, Attune and Attach in accordance to their relationship and its patterns. We are all unique and will approach this pathway to recovery in our own way. For example, you might feel steady one week and be back in raw pain the next. This is not a failure or a sign you not are doing it right – it is simply how healing from betrayal often goes. Most couples I see move backwards and forwards between these stages many times before they find solid ground again. Trust the process.

Phase One: Atone

This is usually the hardest phase, and it is where the work of rebuilding safety begins. The partner who was unfaithful needs to take full responsibility for what happened:

- - without defensiveness
  - without minimising
  - without shifting any blame onto their partner.

This often means ending all contact with the affair partner, answering difficult questions honestly, and offering transparency in a way that helps rebuild a sense of safety, for as long as it’s needed.

Meanwhile, the hurt partner needs space to feel and express their pain

- - the shock
  - the grief
  - the anger – without being rushed through it.

It is very common for the same questions to come up again and again in this phase. That is not a setback; it is simply part of how the mind processes something so destabilising.

Atonement lays the foundation. Without genuine accountability here, it is very difficult for the next two phases to take root.

Phase Two: Attune

Once a degree of safety has been re-established, the focus shifts towards emotional connection. Attunement is about genuinely wanting to understand your partner’s inner world – their fears, their needs, their experience – even when what they share is painful to hear.

In sessions, I often encourage couples to build small, regular habits of checking in with one another: a few honest minutes each day where you share how you are really feeling, using “I” statements –

“I feel…” rather than “you always…”

Listening to understand, rather than to respond, is a skill and like any skill, it strengthens with practice. This is also where couples often start creating new, positive shared experiences that are not overshadowed by the affair.

Phase Three: Attach

The final phase is about rebuilding closeness – emotionally and physically – and forming a renewed sense of “us.” This includes restoring physical intimacy, but only at a pace that feels genuinely safe for both partners, with open conversation about needs and boundaries along the way.

It is common for intrusive thoughts or old fears to resurface during intimate moments, even once a couple feels they have made real progress. This is a normal part of healing, not a sign that something is wrong. Couples in this phase often find it helpful to create small new rituals together – a weekly date night, a nightly check-in – that help build fresh memories and a renewed sense of partnership.

A gentle reminder

There is no fixed timetable for this work. Meaningful healing after betrayal often takes a year or more, and that is completely normal. What matters far more than speed is consistency – small, honest steps taken again and again, on both sides.

If you and your partner are trying to find your way back to each other after an affair, please know that you do not have to do this alone. Couples counselling can offer a safe, structured space to work through each of these phases at a pace that feels right for you both. If this is something you are facing, I will be glad to talk with you about how I can support you. You can get in touch via the contact page to arrange a first session. Taking that first step is brave, and you don’t have to do it alone.